The romantic comedy I've always wanted to write
As I fly home from Seattle I am reminded of my idea for a romantic
comedy screenplay.
You know the old third act convention -- GIRL goes off to the airport
to fly away for good, to marry Ralph Bellamy and ruin her life. GUY
realizes he loves GIRL and rushes to the airport. Start the clock!
He's driving like a madman. She's leisurely strolling to her gate. In
the time it takes her to walk twenty yards he drives twenty miles but
that's okay, he's on "Jack Bauer" time. He parks right in front of the
terminal. Races in. She's at the ticket counter with two people in
front of her. He's leaping over people like OJ. Just as she's about to
enter the jetway he arrives. They embrace, declare their undying love.
The end.
My movie would start with GUY realizing he loves GIRL and heading off
to the airport. She's looking at the TV monitors trying to figure out
which of the many concourses her gate is at.
He is stuck in terrible traffic.
She is wondering where the fuck is K-26 and how come the direction
arrows say concourses A,C,G are one way, B,K, H, D another, E still a
third and why there's no F?
He's now approaching the airport. There's construction blocking two
lanes. This is the weekend they've decided to repave the main
thoroughfare. And just for fun, they're backing in a cement mixer so
all traffic is held.
GIRL'S flight has been delayed. It says only 15 minutes but how can
that be when the plane isn't even there yet? Could the major airline
be lying???
GUY'S car is inspected after waiting at a checkpoint. The Hummer
before him with a gun rack got waved right through. He's asked to open
his Kia trunk.
GIRL realizes if she wants to eat anything on the long fight she needs
to buy it. So she gets in long line at the CHILI'S TOO take out stand.
He can't leave his car unoccupied at the terminal. Only people allowed
to get really close to the terminal in these terrorist prevention
times are cab drivers, none of whom have first names shorter than 38
letters. GUY has to find a space in one of the parking structures.
There are none.
The woman in line ahead of GIRL is asking questions about the chicken
pesto wrap? Is it white meat? When was it made? The girl at the
counter doesn't speak English.
GUY parks in a handi-cap zone. Fuck it. He races for the terminal. The
parking structure elevator is out of order.
GIRL begins her two mile trek to her gate.
GUY can't get past security unless he has a ticket. He races to the
ticket counter.
Oops. Gates K20-26 are in a different concourse than gates K1-25.
To avoid the long line, GUY goes to First Class desk. There are still
three people ahead of him. No biggie except there is only one agent
serving First Class passengers. The other line moves faster.
GIRL wanders through the maze of concourses.
GUY reaches the ticket agent. Is given flack for being in the first
class line. He'll buy a first class ticket for GIRL'S flight. Sorry.
Sold out. There are no more seats on any flight to her destination.
He'll buy a ticket for ANY flight going anywhere. There's room on the
Tokyo red eye. He'll take it. First Class only. Shit! He waits as she
gets approval for his card. It's denied. He gives her another card.
GIRL reaches her gate. Flight still delayed. Why? One rep says bad
weather. Another says equipment problems. Could the major airline be
lying???
Now that GUY has spent his grandmother's inheritance on a flight he
doesn't intend to take he races to security. Another long line. People
are practically stripping down to their underwear.
GIRL'S flight finally arrives. They have trouble getting the jetway to
the plane. It'll only be another few minutes. Scheduled time for her
flight was ten minutes ago although the airline maintains that time
still stands.
Because he's flying one-way he's singled out for extensive
examination. He has no luggage, which is mighty suspicious. He could
be hiding something. What, he wonders, if he has nothing to hide it
in?
GIRL stands in long line at ticket counter.
GUY'S car is towed.
GUY is asked a series of questions. The thought here is that
terrorists who would think nothing of blowing up a jumbo jet with 200
people aboard would not tell a fib to a TSA agent.
GIRL reaches the ticket agent and learns her seat is double-booked.
This is the new airline policy. They fear that businessmen who book
reservations cancel thereby leaving empty seats. So the policy is to
double book. The solution is not just put people on stand-by for the
few vacant seats. No, it's to inconvenience those people who did
dutifully make their reservations and give the airline their money way
ahead of time.
Now GUY is trying to figure out where Gate K-26 is.
GIRL and the other passenger assigned to her seat play game of chicken
over who will agree to take a later flight. They're offered a voucher
for a free trip anywhere in the US. GIRL knows that there are only a
certain number of seats allotted for these vouchers and they're always
full. So the voucher is essentially worthless.
GUY races to her gate.
GIRL is about to step into the jetway.
GUY reaches her gate. He calls to her. She spots him. Tears in her
eyes, she almost swoons when she sees him. An alert siren sounds. The
terminal is being evacuated. Bomb scare. Mass confusion as everyone
tries to leave. Closing music swells as they embrace and are trampled.
The end.
Hopefully it's not too sentimental. But I'm sure Nora Ephron will find
just the right balance. Watch for my movie coming to a theatre near
you...or maybe as part of some major airline's in flight
entertainment.
ANTICIPATED LOGIC PROBLEMS: Why don't they have cellphones and just
call each other or why doesn't GUY follow her later? GUY ran out of
the house so fast he forgot his cellphone. Ralph Bellamy had justice
of the peace waiting with him at GIRL'S destination to perform the
ceremony at the baggage carousel. All these and any logic problems
will be deftly explained in the script by one of the many writers the
studio gets to rewrite me...and then each other.
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