physical comedy

Physical Comedy

Admiral0kelvin: I have very little idea what the Large Hadron Collider

scientists are building in Switzerland is for, but it scares the hell

out of me. It's like the beginning of every science fiction movie that

involves a rift in the space-time continuum.

ColonelCraud: They're probably just sitting around making "hardon"

jokes.

ColonelCraud: At least if the large hadron collider fucks up, we'll

only lose Switzerland.

ColonelCraud: I mean, it's a good country, but it's not great.

ColonelCraud: The only hope for humanity is a team of scientists

gathered from all over [DEL: the world :DEL] America

Admiral0kelvin: I'd like to see a movie where the Large Hadron

Collider has a catastrophic failure that causes a rift in space-time

and Switzerland is invaded by dinosaurs. But the Swiss fight them off

with their Swiss Army Knives.

ColonelCraud: It'll turn out that the large hadron collider is just

the code name for a water slide.

ColonelCraud: Then all the scientists go down it in their lab coats

while Surfin' USA plays

Admiral0kelvin: That should be what the sequel to Real Genius with Val

Kilmer is about.

ColonelCraud: "What do you mean the Large Hadron Collider has been

taken over... BY JUNIOR COLLEGE STUDENTS?"

ColonelCraud: It's the sequel to Hostel, where the backpackers get

kidnapped and taken to a physics institute and bored to death by

sadistic physicis lecturers who are sick of students not paying

attention.

Admiral0kelvin: Lecture porn.

ColonelCraud: "A number-spattered probability fest - I love it!"

ColonelCraud: They had to cut the scene about tachyons, otherwise it

would have been NC-17

ColonelCraud: Harry here.... I feel this... along with SCHROEDINGER'S

CUT.... has created a new genre I call "Theoretical Physics Noir"...

Admiral0kelvin: As with the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider (RHIC),

people both inside and outside of the physics community have voiced

concern that the LHC might trigger one of several theoretical

disasters capable of destroying the Earth or even the entire Universe.

These include:

* Creation of a stable black hole[7]

* Creation of strange matter that is more stable than ordinary matter

* Creation of magnetic monopoles that could catalyze proton decay

* Triggering a transition into a different quantum mechanical vacuum

(see False vacuum)

Admiral0kelvin: Oh, good.

Admiral0kelvin: Whatever happens, I'm sure Stephen Hawking can save

us.

ColonelCraud: Along with his new buddy Gizmo, the clumsy robot!

Admiral0kelvin: That would make a good FPS. It would be like

Half-Life, only you can't jump. Which is great because the jumping

puzzles in Half-Life are horrid.

ColonelCraud: Or it'd be like The Lost Vikings, where Stephen Hawking

can open solve equations, but only Gizmo can jump.

ColonelCraud: You have to stop the Swiss scientists from using the

Large Hadron Collider, and they're all eating swiss cheese.

Admiral0kelvin: And then Stephen Hawking has to get shrunk to the

quantum level and must battle Higgs bosons with nothing but his

wheelchair-mounted muon-neutrino beams.

Admiral0kelvin: And then the final boss is Antimatter Stephen Hawking,

who has been behind the whole scheme.